Teacher: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Do you see the grass?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside, look up, and tell me if you can see the sky.
Tommy: (returns a minute later) I saw it.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That’s my point — we can’t see God because He isn’t there; He doesn’t exist.

A little girl raised her hand.
Little Girl: May I ask Tommy a few questions?
Teacher: Go ahead.
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little Girl: Do you see the grass?
Tommy: Yes.
Little Girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yes.
Little Girl: Do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes.
Little Girl: Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Little Girl: Then, according to what we learned today… she must not have one!

Here are a few quick one-liners to brighten your day:
— I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… she hugged me.
— My wallet is like an onion — opening it makes me cry.
— I’m reading a book on anti-gravity — it’s impossible to put down.
— I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
— Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.